If Harry Potter and the Cursed Child is “the eighth story: nineteen years later”, it’s only ever going to be one eighth of a story. The fact of the matter is, there are a lot of people’s futures that are never going to be answered for, and this is only partly because of the fact that some of those people are canonically dead. While we’ll certainly get to hear lots about Albus and Scorpius, I have a strong feeling that many of the characters we’ve come to love are going to be shunted to the background (particularly, as mentioned, the dead ones).

However! Do not fear! The important thing is that, in the hive mind of the Harry Potter fandom, characters like Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Nymphadora Tonks, and poor dead Hedwig are alive and well (and living happily in Hogsmeade with three small daughters, in the case of the middle two. Or the first two. Not the last two.) So I have decided to take a leaf out of Professor Trelawney’s tea and determine the future of everyone’s favorite Harry Potter couples. Please enjoy.

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Aragog and Hedwig

This couple may sound unconventional at first, but these two lovebirds (well, okay, only one of them’s a lovebird) have been smitten with each other ever since Hedwig wandered too far on her way to the Owlery. Harry never knew that her company was what the usually-bloodthirsty Aragog was really craving. (Didn’t you notice how Hedwig’s absences got more and more prolonged after the first book?) Since we’ve established that neither of them really died, we can assume that they’re living happily on the edge of the Forest, nurturing a nest of feather-studded spiders that are occasionally used to give Ron exposure therapy. All of their names end in “g”: Buzzwig, Humbug, Zaftig, and Morag.

Harry and Ginny

After seventeen years of marriage (goodness, those protagonists marry young), you might think “all was well”, but you’d have to look a little deeper beneath the surface. Harry’s an Auror, adding scars to his face every day for the sake of wizardkind. Ginny is… well, she was a Quidditch star, but presumably had to stop early in her career due to three pregnancies, and… now writes sports articles for The Daily Prophet???

Hell, no. Ginny wants to be out there, making enormous bat-shaped bogeys soar out of Dark wizards’ noses. So there were tensions in that marriage for a while. Fortunately, Ginny arranged for one of Harry’s fellow Aurors to have a small and totally secret accident, got her hands on some Polyjuice Potion, and now fights alongside her husband. What Harry doesn’t know won’t hurt him, right?

Molly and Arthur

While a great faux-family for Harry, the relationship between the Weasley parents was, in this author’s opinion, borderline abusive during Ron’s Hogwarts years. (I could go into detail about Molly being a Prewett, and one of the Sacred Twenty-Eight, and losing her little brothers in young adulthood; and Arthur’s family being poor blood traitors, and the early tensions these differences might have caused, but we don’t have time for all that.) The point is, Molly didn’t need to attack Arthur for enjoying his fellytones and having different ideas about healing snake bites. And Arthur didn’t need to retreat into the shed and illegally enchant cars instead of addressing his problems.

So eventually, they decide to go to Wizard counseling, where Molly learns to express her views with a tad more tact, and Arthur begins to call his wife “Mollywobbles” again. This increases the vomiting noises made by their children tenfold, but they’ve been happier ever since.

Lupin and Tonks

Ignore the below. This is what really happened.

Lupin and Tonks married in private at the beginning of Deathly Hallows, Lupin did his tortured little running-away thing, came back and begged for forgiveness in a heartrending scene that should have been in the book but wasn’t. And then they had several children. Which is, of course, to say that they live to ripe old ages. Or at least we think they do, because they aren’t dead yet.

Lupin comes back to teach at Hogwarts, because people aren’t awful to werewolves anymore, and the Defense Against the Dark Arts post is no longer cursed, so someone needs to commit long-term. Tonks stays with the Auror department and eventually became Harry’s mentor.

They giggle about the day’s events and trade tips for dealing with the more troublesome parts of their jobs. Lupin advises shooting chewing gum up Dark wizards’ noses. Tonks advises conveniently knocking over inkwells when students have too many questions about the homework. They have long dinners that stretch into bedtime, and sometimes Lupin makes blackberry cobbler for dessert.

As mentioned previously, they live in Hogsmeade with Hogwarts-age Teddy and their three small daughters. They have an enormous, wild garden that nobody ever bothers to prune, and overflowing bookshelves on every wall, and a succession of fluffy cats with fanciful names. They are the happiest of everybody.

Lupin and Sirius

Ignore the above. This is what really happened.

Tonks never existed, so there’s no need to worry about her. Lupin and Sirius got together in a fashion similar to, but not entirely like, The Shoebox Project. (Lupin is, of course, less meek and more mischievous, and he doesn’t fold his socks.) Naturally everything following Sirius’ arrest was awful and tragic, but there’s no need to dwell on that here, because everything was all right again after the third book, and when everyone moves out of Number 12, Grimmauld Place after the war, both of them stay for a while—their first home together.

They plaster every wall with cut-out pictures of Muggle motorcycles and convertibles and barbecue grills and automatic-flush toilets and basically everything that the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black traditionally disapproves of. Eventually, though, Sirius decides he wants a place with a bit less personal history, and so they leave Kreacher to explain to Phineas Nigellus why there is a picture of a Segway dangling from his chin.

Lupin comes back to teach at Hogwarts as Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, while Sirius teaches Animagus courses at the Ministry of Magic, taking days off at the full moon to help his partner. They’re lazy on the day after and order Muggle pizza, taking bets on how long it will take the deliveryman to give up on finding their magically-concealed home. (It’s all right. They tip him well once they take pity and find him.)

As mentioned previously, they now live in Hogsmeade with their three small daughters. They have an enormous, wild garden that nobody ever bothers to prune, and overflowing bookshelves on every wall, and a succession of fluffy cats with fanciful names. They are the happiest of everybody.

Sprout and Grubbly-Plank

These two have been together since long before the first book. They live in a stone cottage in Hogsmeade covered in magical ivy, with a variety of interesting magical creatures in the back garden. (Hagrid claims Nifflers make terrible pets, but Wilhelmina has developed a training regimen that keeps them cuddly and non-destructive, as long as they have a bit of spare change to hoard.) Pomona makes exotic salads for dinner while her wife smokes her pipe on the front step.

As they are now both retired, they host weekly teas for influential witches of the age. McGonagall always shows up, along with a spate of Herbologists, Magizoologists, magical ethicists, academics, and all the alumnae of the Holyhead Harpies. Every witch knows you haven’t really made it unless you’ve been invited round to Starthistle Cottage for a cup of jasmine green and a Mandragora quiche. Flitwick is another frequent guest, although Sprout and Grubbly-Plank are often rather concerned about him. Did a student accidentally send him flying across the classroom again? They feed him lots, in hopes that he’ll be a bit heavier next time.

Their favorite Niffler, Leo, sleeps between them every night. He only tries to bite off Pomona’s earrings occasionally.

Lily and James

Not-dead Lily and James are the Wizarding World’s most beloved power couple. They’re gorgeous, brilliant, and young enough to stay hip and relatable, despite being Harry Potter’s adoring parents.

(“I’m not like a regular mom,” says Lily Evans Potter. “I’m a cool mom.” It’s only the truth.

“Well, I’m a cool dad,” says James hopefully.)

Unfortunately, being married right out of Hogwarts does have its downside, and Jily goes through some rocky times while Harry’s off at Hogwarts. Lily still has her fiery temper. James still has his arrogant streak. He still jaunts off with Sirius and Remus every full moon, even though the Wolfsbane Potion’s been around for years and he never lets her come along and does he really need to run around Hogsmeade like he’s still a teenager?

(“Yes,” says James staunchly.)

Lily makes sure she’s looking extra beautiful the next time the Wizarding paparazzi follows her around Godric’s Hollow. Someone takes a photograph of her with her arm slung around not-dead Benjy Fenwick. James sees it in the paper and his face goes red.

“I suppose it wouldn’t take you very long to become an Animagus,” he says finally. “I could show you our old notes.”

Lily smiles.

Luna and Adventure

While we’re told that Luna marries a descendant of Newt Scamander’s and has twin sons, that doesn’t happen for many years (if it happens at all. I mean, I have trouble imagining this girl living the domestic life.) Instead, the moment Luna leaves Hogwarts, she fills her magically-expanded backpack with Thestral hairs and salamander scales, and sets off for Sweden. And Kenya. And Japan. And the Australian Outback. And tiny invisible islands layered in fog that nobody but the most skilled Magigeographers know about.

Over the next two decades, Luna discovers enough new magical creatures to fill up a whole second volume of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. More importantly, she campaigns for the rightful inclusion of creatures ignored by Scamander, from the Wampanoag Pukwudgie to the Yoruba Egbere to the Indonesian Warak Ngendog. She makes friends with Manticores, with Sphnixes, with creatures that nobody should make friends with. When asked about it, she shrugs and laughs under her breath. She sends airy, droll letters to Harry and Neville and Ginny, in handwriting with twice the usual number of flourishes, and they can’t help hearing her voice in their heads as they read. Sometimes she invites them along. Sometimes she comes back to visit.

But she never stays long. There are monsters abroad, and they’re not going to befriend themselves.

Neville and Hannah

These two round-faced cinnamon rolls live happily above the Leaky Cauldron, in the generously-sized flat reserved for the pub owner, and only good things happen to them. Only good things are allowed to happen to them.

A potion is finally invented that restores sanity to Neville’s parents. Hannah’s mother is finally given a proper memorial, and her father moves into one of the deluxe suites on the upper level of the pub. Hannah and Neville decide not to have children, because their shared life of serving as gatekeepers to the Wizarding world and teaching children not to eat the wrong plants demands their full attention. Augusta comes to see them every fortnight, and they can never decide if they look forward to her visits or if they dread them. (Hannah knew she approved of her when she gave her a vulture hat to match her own. Hannah likes to wear it around the house. These are the only times when Neville cannot take her seriously.)

Ron and Hermione

Surprising everybody, especially themselves, they are very happy. They realize early on that they could be another Molly and Arthur, with an unequal distribution of power and half-hidden resentment between them, and opt not to let that happen.

This does mean that they go to marriage counseling every week. And that Hermione occasionally whacks Ron across the head with the newest edition of Hogwarts a History (she got to write the foreword. She is very proud.) And that Ron sometimes leaves joke shop Dungbombs around as revenge. And that Hermione passive-aggressively pretends not to notice.

But on the whole, things are equal and they are good. (How d’you like that, Jo Row?)

Seamus and Dean

“You went to the Yule Ball with Lavender,” says Dean accusingly.

“You dated Ginny Weasley for almost a year,” says Seamus, flinty-eyed.

“You wouldn’t join Dumbledore’s Army with me until the end of fifth year!”

“I spent all of seventh year convinced you were dead!”

They look at each other, their faces rapt.

They kiss.

Snape and Sadness

While love is far more powerful than Dark magic, a lifelong obsession with someone you’ve publicly used slurs against is not a good recipe for happiness.

After Lily catches Snape hiding outside her bedroom window with a badly-cast Disillusionment Charm on himself, raindrops pelting the pavement and sliding off his greasy hair, she calls the Auror Department and has a restraining order put against him. If he ever gets within fifty feet of Lily again, he’ll be magically transported to a Wizarding counseling office.

(It happens. More than once.)

He goes home, weeps, and reads Wuthering Heights. He heavily identifies with Heathcliff.

“Expecto Patronum!” he whispers.

They can’t take that away from him.

Wormtail and an Unappreciated Ministry Witch

After Peter Pettigrew’s silver hand fails to kill him at Malfoy Manor, he realizes that he has made the first independent decision of his life, and experiences a powerful catharsis that takes him away from the Death Eaters and into a rehabilitation program for kids who had a hard time in high school. (And probably in their home lives, too, on second thought. Why was poor Peter so afraid of everyone? What was his childhood like?!) There, he learns various techniques to boost his self-confidence, like sunrise yoga and daily journaling. (He’s still not sure about the whole power poses thing, but he’s gamely giving it a go.)

After the war—and after publishing a repentant, heartfelt, but ultimately hopeful personal essay in The Daily Prophet—Peter takes on a part-time role at the Animagus Registry with the potential for promotion. That’s where he meets Iphigenia Cheddar, a slightly cross-eyed witch who keeps track of the office’s records, and whose Animagus form is a gerbil. They have several rodenty children and are very happy.

 

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