Ridiculous Plot Summaries: Installment #1

Welcome to a new series on Pudding Shot, in which we come up with plot summaries that may or may not be an accurate representation of the books in question. (That’s for you to decide. We’d love to hear your views on this in the comments.) Today’s victims are an eclectic crew: Alexandre Dumas’ THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO, Aaron Starmer’s SPONTANEOUS, and Christopher Paolini’s ERAGON.

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The Count of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas

Edmond Dantès, a kind, honorable young sailor with a promising, honest career and an adoring, humble fiancée, is wrongfully imprisoned by jealous colleagues who frame him for a political crime and then failed by a classist secular justice system that seeks to profit under the changing authoritarian regime through his conviction. After escaping from prison and finding a fabulous treasure with the help of a Godly man, Edmond uses his new fortune to infiltrate the ranks of the French elite, achieve socioeconomic power, and distribute misguided, grotesquely creative and sadistically savored justice to the people whom he blames for his suffering and deliver relief from the torture of the profane world of commerce and war to the good Christian people who helped him. In a poignantly satirical rebuttal of Romanticism’s fascination with the emotional and his contemporary society’s fetishization of human selfishness and aesthetic excess, Dumas carefully crafts Edmond’s black-hearted ruse as the Count of Monte Cristo to illustrate the futility of revenge as a double-edged sword to life and poison to the soul and thus teach his readers a moral lesson about the Christian values of forgiveness and charity.

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Eragon, Christopher Paolini

A long time ago, in a world far, far away, the evil King Galbatorix, dragon-rider and warrior-sorcerer, seeks to conquer the whole of Alagaësia for his Empire and crush the Rebel Alliance of men, elves, and dwarves that attempts to resist him. Princess Arya, a rebel agent, steals one of the last dragon eggs from the Empire, an asset that would deal a devastating blow to the Empire’s power, and before she is captured by the King’s sinister black-cloaked agent and monstrous army, she manages to spirit it away to safety. Though intended for Brom, an old, undercover warrior from the mystical Order of the Jedi Dragon Knights that Galbatorix wiped out long ago, the egg comes by accident into the hands of Eragon, an orphan youth living on his uncle’s backcountry farm, and hatches for him. Eragon’s new, special bond with the dragon Saphira, blue and feisty, wakens an extraordinary power within him and begins a destined journey that will lead him to become a hero for all the continent’s diverse peoples and cultures; to study and understand the powers and philosophy of the Jedi with training from a reclusive forest master; to inherit a very symbolic legendary Jedi sword; to lose a mentor, a father, and a sibling to the wiles of the Empire and the allure of power; and to discover the truth behind his tragic family lineage and its powerful part in the destruction of the Jedi and the current civil war. In this exciting first installment of DRAGON WARS, Eragon: A New Hope, Eragon and Saphira will evade the clutch of the Empire to join the Rebel Alliance, learn the basics of Jedi training from Brom, team up with a charming rogue, rescue the princess, and destroy one of the Empire’s most powerful assets to defend the Rebel base.

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Spontaneous by Aaron Starmer

The senior class of Covington High starts to explode at random. Literally explode. Boom. Blood everywhere. School is cancelled, obviously, and narrator Mara starts dating Dylan, who may or may not be a father of triplets, and he takes her away in his ice cream truck to go slow dance in a silo to Bon Jovi. More people explode, and the senior class is quarantined to their little town. They build a pool. They have sex behind an inflatable Santa. They reinstate school with a class called Livin’ 101. They become Internet stars. They convince themselves they’re magic. They go to prom. With explosions.*

*Actual plot.

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