By Sam F., Libby A., and Dana W.
It’s election season, in case you haven’t noticed, and the staff at Pudding Shot has been thinking hard about who we would like to see in the Oval Office for the next four years. Thus, we’ve put together a list of (literary) nominees. Vote in the comments!
HE KNOWS SOME THINGS
Prior Experience: King in the North, Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch.
Economy and Jobs: Can you use a sword? Good, you’re hired. Don’t expect to be paid.
National Security: Historically, Mr. Snow does not have a strong record of diplomatic successes, but as Commander-in-Chief, he wouldn’t sit back idly—much to his advisors’ annoyance. On the bright side, he’s able to come back from the dead—a useful quality in a president.
Immigration: Mr. Snow believes everyone has the ability to contribute, be they giant or warg, Mexican or Muslim. However, he is strongly in favor of building a wall. A very big wall. Just in case.
Justice and Equality: Wildlings are people, too.
Problems Facing His Candidacy
He knows nothing.
NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE
Prior Experience: King of Ravka.
Economy and Jobs: While Mr. Lantsov does not have a stellar record of staying out of debt, he won’t let that stop him! Broke? He’ll just call on his pirate—er, privateer—friend Captain Sturmhond to raid some ships. That same privateer is also happy to run a con in order to fill his country’s coffers.
National Security: True, Mr. Lantsov has a lot of enemies, but that’s OK because he comes with not one, but two armies, one of which is made up of people with magic powers. He also controls his own fleet of flying ships.
Immigration: Do you have magic powers? Yes? You’re in. If not, that’s just too bad.
Justice and Equality: He digs it.
Problems Facing His Candidacy: He may or may not suffer from multiple personality disorder, in which his alter ego is a hard-hitting privateer with questionable morals. Once, he was a weird bat creature, and there are some photos he doesn’t want leaked.
IT’S A-MER-ICA, NOT AMERI-CA
Prior Experience: Near-perfect OWL scores, singlehandedly kept Harry Potter and Ron Weasley alive for seven books, directly responsible for the salvation of the Wizarding and Muggle world.
Economy and Jobs: As a Muggleborn, Hermione has experience with both Wizarding and Muggle currencies, and promises to grow both economies simultaneously. She’s also slightly less hated by goblin bankers than most, although they wish she’d stop knitting them jumpers.
National Security: Neither ISIS nor Inferi intimidate this lady.
Immigration: Refugees, students, and immigrants of all stripes are welcome. If you’re blood-prejudiced or bigoted, though, you can stay where you are.
Justice and Equality: Wands and equal rights for everyone!
Problems Facing Her Candidacy: She’s British. But she’s also a witch, so chances are she can magic herself an American birth certificate. (She’ll just have to work on the accent.)
KELADRY OF MINDELAN
PROTECT THE SMALL
Prior Experience: Second lady knight of Tortall since Alanna the Lioness; youth ambassador to the Yamani Islands; rider with the King’s Own; achieved significant victory in the Scanran War at the Battle of Fief Rathhausak; Commander of New Hope refugee city.
Economy and Jobs: Everyone does their fair share, and everyone is treated fairly. Lady Kel has no patience for those who would mistreat their employees, and will fight for a living wage and proper safety and ethical regulations for child labor and magical workings.
National Security: Her numerous successes navigating conflicts between government and military representatives and magical persons prove she has the diplomatic experience to forge powerful alliances and peaceful accords. But should the need arise, she will strategically, courageously, and literally lead an army of knights, elite cavalry soldiers, and powerful mages blessed by the gods into battle in defense of the innocent and the homeland, whether our enemies be magic, man, or machine.
Immigration: Sure, why not? So long as you’re willing to do your part against spidrens, centaurs, bandits, stormwings, ghost machines, and necromancers, we shouldn’t have any problems.
Justice and Equality: She did not get the epithet “Protector of the Small” for nothing.
Problems Facing Her Candidacy: She has pledged loyalty and service to a monarchy as a knight of the realm, which has raised concerns about conflicts of interest with foreign powers. Though compassionate and determined to address the issues, her practical perspective and habit of hiding her emotions has caused others to call her “cold” and “not someone I would get a beer with.”