Approximately one out of every seven Halloweens falls on that worst day of all: Monday. There is no joy to Monday. It is the inherent opposite of fun. Monday stymies spooky energy and shackles the spine-chilling Halloween winds. Our great nation has faced many trials, but Halloween on a Monday might be our direst hour.
But like a shining jack-o-lantern in the darkness, I am here to bring you a number of tips to make every waking moment of your Halloween Monday as spooktacular as possible. Think of these as Microspooks.
1 – WRITE THE WORD “BOO” ON YOUR FOREHEAD
This is a real fun one at your office or school! Like wearing a Santa hat at Christmas-time, writing “BOO” on your forehead is an excellent way to share a little of the joy of the season with everyone you encounter. Chortle with Halloween glee as you see their faces turn the color of curdled milk, as your etched brow-glyph instills in them a profound and unsettling spooking. Be sure to write it backwards, through; otherwise you will have written “OOB,” which is, unfortunately, the sound the Easter bunny makes. Wrong holiday!
SPOOKTACULAR BONUS – For all you pro spooksters out there, get this tattooed on your forehead to keep that holiday spirit alive all through the year!
2 – TIE A PLASTIC BAG TO YOUR SHOE
I know what you’re thinking—where will I get a plastic bag? I won’t spoil the experience by answering that question—it is the journey to the plastic bag that matters. But once you have a plastic bag, you can tie it to your shoe to get an eerie rustling sound that follows you throughout the day. You will sound just like the ghost of an Antebellum plantation lady dressed in ruffling chiffon, forever wandering this proud nation and bemoaning the fate of her Johnny Reb husband.
SPOOKTACULAR BONUS – If you want to go “hardcore spooky mode,” tie the bag to your shoe, then blind yourself and shove a fistful of sleeping pills down your gullet. This way, when you wake up from your coma, you’ll almost certainly have memory loss, and the loss of your eyesight will make it so you will never know what that rustling sound is! Brr, what a spooky!
3 – PRETEND SOMEONE ELSE HAS A SPIDER ON THEIR FACE
This one is a real classic. At some point during the horrible Monday, brighten things up by shrieking and pointing at a co-worker, relative, or trusted adult, informing them that they have a spider on their face. Do they have a spider on their face? That’s for them to find out. But it’s guaranteed to send shivers down the spines of everyone around you! Nobody likes the idea of a spider on their face!
SPOOKTACULAR BONUS – Pretend the co-worker, relative, or trusted adult actually is a spider. Remember: the best actors truly commit to their role.
4 – TALK ABOUT YOUR “LIST”
While the classic Halloween aesthetics—spiders, plastic bags, “BOO”—are classics for a reason, we as a society have found a lot more to fear than just the classics. So branch out a little and go for some of that psychological horror! Anytime anyone wrongs you on the accursed Monday, mutter in a stage whisper that they are now “officially on your list” or have “just moved up on your list.” When and if they ask “What the hell are you talking about?”, just glare and clench your fists a few times. Sure to give everyone the heebie-jeebies!
SPOOKTACULAR BONUS – Actually keep a list.
5 – DRAW A PUMPKIN ON A PIECE OF PAPER
Halloween is a day for spooks and scares, but it’s also a day for celebrating that most orange of gourds: the pumpkin. Yes, the pumpkin, with its hollow, goopy interior and squat, fat body is a symbol of all that is good about Halloween. Truly this feast of “All Hallows” is embodied in the noble pseudosquash. According to some legends, Hell is actually the squishy, pulpy inside of an infinite pumpkin, a pumpkin without end, and come judgement day the gods will carve a face into the pumpkin and all the souls in Hell will fly out, and we will look back at the face, and it will be winking.
SPOOKTACULAR BONUS – Are you a bit of a DIY-er? Buy several pumpkins, smash them to bits, and offer them on an altar! It’s a little time-consuming, but if you really put your mind to it, you just might get a glimpse into the seething orange pulpdream that awaits us all.
6 – CACKLE
Do you normally laugh at jokes? According to a recent study, at least half of all people laugh at some point in their lives. So the chances are good that you might laugh on this Halloween Monday. If you do, mix it up a little—give ‘em the ol’ witch’s cackle! EEE-HEHEHE, you shriek, when somebody tells you a bit of a joke. Pro tip—for best results, keep a recording of a cackle playing when you go to sleep the night before Halloween. It works with learning languages, and it works with learning cackles!
SPOOKTACULAR BONUS – Sorry, no bonus here, spooksters. There is nothing spookier than a cackle.
7 – INSIST THAT EVERYONE SPELL IT “HALLOWE’EN”
Few things terrify people more than the prospect of talking to a pedant, so really go for broke! If you see “Halloween” written anywhere, roll your eyes, huff, and say “Boy, where the heck is the apostrophe, that’s what I want to know!” Everyone around you will get the creepy-crawlies, and you’ll get the immensely satisfying knowledge that you are right and they are wrong.
SPOOKTACULAR BONUS—Is “Hallowe’en” still too modern for you, professional spookonaut that you are? Then let’s rock it old school by making everyone call it SAMHAIN! Make sure you remind them that it’s actually pronounced “sow-in,” but add some other noises in there too to keep them on their toes. They are the spook-plebeians, you are the spook-patrician. Act like it.
8 – TELL THAT JOKE ABOUT WHY WAS SIX AFRAID OF SEVEN
…Because seven eight nine! Ha ha! Yes, few things get people’s Halloween hackles on the rise like a good joke about numeroconsumption. It’s a genuinely scary joke, because it reminds everyone that eight/ate are homonyms because language is arbitrary, and there is no grand underlying meaning; words only mean things because we agree they do, and when we stop agreeing, we will become as beast-folk and stumble back to our primordial roots, gnawing on bones and telling legends of the pumpkin-hell that awaits us.
SPOOKTACULAR BONUS – Tell the one about Pete and Re-Pete sitting on a fence!
9 – SACRIFICE A GOAT
Well, here we are, the big number nine. It’s a little time-consuming, but there’s no beating the time-tested classic: sacrificing a goat. Carve a little time out of your Halloween Monday to put on some white robes, draw out your bronze knife, lead a goat to the bloodletting place, and sacrifice it there, burning the entrails as an offering to the Dark Ones who wait in the shadows, and who, on Halloween night, emerge in black cloaks to collect the shattered candy and missing costume pieces; the Dark Ones who decided that Halloween was a great time to let everybody dress up in racist costumes like it’s no big deal, and who draw their sustenance from our hapless, blind ignorance as we do everything we can to forget that this is a festival of death, that our Sexy Indian costumes cannot save us from eventual oblivion.
SPOOKTACULAR BONUS – Cackle while you sacrifice the goat! Go for it, spookateers!
Do you plan on spookifying your Halloween Monday with some of our high-level pro spook tips? Let us know in the comments! And don’t forget to notify all your spook-loving friends!